They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
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Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton