They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

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Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.


Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night


My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.


Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*


So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.


My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.


*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds


My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!


Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”