They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
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This is my bus stop.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
welcome back
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.