They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]