They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”


Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..


Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%


Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake


Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”


Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful


Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.


Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.


I hear Simba’s screams every night.


Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.


Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.