@envydatropic

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

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@Fred_Delicious

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

@Goofpoops

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

@shutupmikeginn

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

@JohnLyonTweets

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@SjekkieBunzing

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

@JohnHilsen

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

@flashember

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

@hangin_out

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.