Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

That’s a good costume, I hope.

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

Oh my god

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?