They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I missed you with all my darts
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Whoa 😂
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.