They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
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Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
he looks great for his age
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
i prefer mine room temperature.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.