They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
incredible text to wake up to
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.