They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
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When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.