They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
You Might Also Like
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Meow
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”