They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
They’re not wrong
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins