Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.