They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
You Might Also Like
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My daily affirmation
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
So glad we cleared that up
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band