They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
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“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”