They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

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Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”


*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear


I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.


If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.


Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.


Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…


My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.


Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*