They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
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Sniffing the broccoli
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…