They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit