They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
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I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
What my back needs
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin