They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.