@lurve_meh

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

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@ninjadinosaur1

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

@Brentweets

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

@LilyBaileyUK

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

@Arroia

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

@beefman138

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

@3sunzzz

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

@Book_Krazy

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT