There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
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Wedding planning is organized crime.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.