@ninjadinosaur1 There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
@lurve_meh They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
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@ninjadinosaur1 
@JimmerThatisAll Wedding planning is organized crime.
@Brentweets Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
@slimmy_shady A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
@LilyBaileyUK I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
@Arroia Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
@beefman138 3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
@3sunzzz It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
@Book_Krazy New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
@samalmightysam God created women and the devil taught her to smile.