@lurve_meh

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

You Might Also Like

@jjhartinger

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

@joelebean

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

@Tmoney68

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

@sparklecunt_

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

@jackiembouvier

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

@caribbeanaj

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

@Brianhopecomedy

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

@BobTheSuit

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

@Havish_AF

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants