
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants