They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

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Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.


I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again


Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?


Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”


[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”


Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief


How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary


What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?


I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.


1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.