They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
having children is a pyramid scheme.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it