@TheAlexNevil

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

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@SondraDeeMe

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

@House_Feminist

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

@WhatevaConc

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

@noog

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

@OtherDanOBrien

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

@P1ssed_K1d

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

@gitson_shiggles

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

@Ideal_Victoria

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

@KateWhineHall

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

@kimlockhartga

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.