They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
this could fix me
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.