They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*