Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..
This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?