@slimmy_shady Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
@bazlyons They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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@slimmy_shady 
@BCMontgo Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
@GrumpyBahr People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
@chxndii all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
@Cyd10e “Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
@UduhEmeka This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
@geowizzacist What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
@rickolantern The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
@Charalanahzard Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
@BaileysIrishTom Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?