@bazlyons

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

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@slimmy_shady

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

@BCMontgo

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

@GrumpyBahr

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

@Cyd10e

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

@UduhEmeka

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

@geowizzacist

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

@rickolantern

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

@BaileysIrishTom

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?