@zachraffio

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

You Might Also Like

@P1ssed_K1d

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

@JustBeingEmma

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

@HomeProbably

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

@Ameiam

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

@SardonicTart

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@Shower4Thought

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

@KevinBuffalo

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.