They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
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What flavor cupcake are these
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
What is going on? 😅
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete