@ChiChiGreenblat

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

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@ericsshadow

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

@MumInBits

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

@TurboJellyBean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

@topaz_kell

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

@Interceptor__

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

@Brampersandon_

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

@dlockw21

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

@RocketRankoon

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*