They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I’m sure it’s fine.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time