“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.