They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
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I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Happy thanksgiving
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”