They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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Dead sexy!!
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.