They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
The Compass