They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.