they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
smartest karate player in the world
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold