They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly