They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
San Francisco has too many rules
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.