They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!