They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
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My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess