“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
You Might Also Like
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
me and who
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!