“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
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How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
(by @ZachWeiner )
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.