they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why