They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Boating season is upon us.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I have a type: disappointing
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.