They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”