They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.