They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
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My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The legends speak of a third Duran…
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps