They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.