They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
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Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
This is my cat’s medicine.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]