They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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philosophical skeletons be like
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
it was love at first sight
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?