They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh