They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

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Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.


COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …


He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.


I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it


Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group


Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame


What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner


Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.