they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
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Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
groan^2
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.