They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?