they see me scrollin
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news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
What.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
next question.
