They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
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Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Mornin
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
me linking you to my twitter
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Matt Goss
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.